Moms, Dads, Children, and Everything in Between (Long, but please read.)

***I feel the need to put a disclaimer to this blog post-
This subject matter IS NOT directed at ANY of you, my Facebook friends or followers. Kind of like a movie or book, any opinion that resembles your own situation is not intentional.***

The subject matter of this blog post involves parenting, and much of it is my opinion based on personal experience, but adding to that, what I witness currently with other parents and children.

***(After completing this post, I should add that my original idea ended up taking a new direction, but it somehow all fits.)***

I would like to say that most of you know that I am only recently a mom, but I have personal experience with parents, obviously, as well as witnessing the parenting practiced by other parents. Anything I say obviously does not apply to all cases, but I firmly believe it applies to many.

First, and this may upset many of you, but unfortunately, all moms are not good and all dads are not bad. In fact, re-defining the popular saying on so many gifts and cards, “Anyone can be a father, it takes someone special to be a Dad.” the same is true for moms, and I am, quite frankly, tired of what might be seen as a double standard.

For purposes of this blog, I will often refer to “Mom” in a positive light and “Mother” in a negative one. The same will apply to “Dad” and “Father”. The main purpose is so you can better differentiate my thoughts on the parent, but at times, may reflect my personal life experience. (Please note that no matter how you refer to your own parents does not have any bearing on my word choice.)

Let me start by saying that I had a Mom, Mother, Dad, Father, and Stepfather, as I was adopted, as many of you know, and my parents divorced when I was nine.

Here is where things get serious- I am so tired of hearing how wonderful Moms/Mothers are and how horrible Dads/Fathers are. For example, every time I look on Facebook, I see about ten (10) positive Mom statuses compared to one (1) Dad. It is though Mothers are all wonderful and faultless, while dads are deadbeats that singly “knocked mom up.”

While I am thrilled for anyone that had or has such a mom, and feel sympathy for those that had a horrible experience with a father, or vice versa, please know that my point is that not everyone has had or has this Mom and Dad.

While I can appreciate the fact that a mother goes through nine to ten months of pregnancy and goes through labor, or caesarean section, this act, in and of itself, does not automatically make her a saint. Likewise, just because a man may do “his part” in five minutes, (don’t get mad guys, I’m giving you a break) doesn’t automatically make him a bad guy. And, unfortunately,  he can’t very well help it that a baby can’t come out of his penis. Some men even desire the ability to give birth, but God, nature, what have you, evidently didn’t plan it that way.

Along the same line, as we all know, it takes two to tango. (And of course, I am referring to consensual acts here. I may delve into the other types at a later point.) Let’s face it- some girls like to have sex as much, or even more, than guys do. And as far as birth control goes, whether it be a pill, a diaphragm, a condom, or all three, it is both parties’ responsibility to make sure the necessary precautions are taken to prevent unwanted pregnancy. Of course these precautions may fail, but the lesson is that just because the girl should take her pill, and the guy should don a condom, doesn’t mean that a pregnancy is 100% one of the two’s fault. It just doesn’t. Maybe you girlfriends of mine think my female club card should be revoked, but I am just being real.

(Very quickly, while I am vaguely close to the topic, but don’t want to get into it very deeply, I really don’t understand why the guy is to blame for a pregnancy, yet has no involvement in the decision to complete or terminate a pregnancy. I don’t want to take a side on the pro-choice/pro-life issue at this point, I’m just throwing a thought out to consider.)  

So, back to the problem with labeling a parent one thing or another based on gender. What really bugs me is not that I see a lot of comments about how much a person loves his or her mom, but that if someone doesn’t think his or her dad hung the moon, they are horrible people going to hell. This simply is not the case.

In my case, I had two moms, so to speak, a biological one and an adoptive one. (Adoptive shall be referred to as Mother and biological as Mom). I greatly appreciate my Mom for enduring what was an emotionally difficult task so that I might have a life, but I have very little emotion for the mother that raised me. For those of you that have known me for a long time, you know why.

At the same time, my father really was the sperm donor type and evidently not a nice man as he would send my biological mom mother’s day cards every year. Excuse me, but, What the fuck? On the other hand, my Dad- and he wasn’t even that- he was my Daddy and I was his Princess, wanted me more than anything in the world, thought I hung the moon, and let everyone know it. Again, any of you who have known me for long, know this- some of you even more than I do.

So, I don’t care if you love or hate your mother/mom, love or hate your father/dad, remember that someone out there has just the opposite situation as you. Or, to give everyone a fair chance, there are the lucky ones that have two (or more) loving parents and others have absolutely no one they can count on.

All I know is that I plan to be the best possible Mommy I can be, and although I know I won’t be perfect, and although he may say he hates me at some point, Jayden will always know how very much he was wanted, how very special he is, and that he is loved more than the earth and every star in the sky. Each and every child on this earth deserves the same. 

He will not hear that he better be grateful I went through nine months of pregnancy and a long labor (which isn’t even true in the first place for me, and therefore probably isn’t for every mom in existence), just so he could have a life. And he sure as Hell won’t hear me say “I brought you into this world, I can take you out”. He didn’t ask to be here; I dreamt and prayed for it. He is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I plan to tell him that every day for the rest of his life, whether he fully understands it or not!

(Of course Shana feels the same way, and you know what, we may have had "just a sperm donor", but if it were not for this man, we would not have our beautiful little boy, and I would do anything to thank him. Hopefully I/we will have that chance when he and Jayden meet when Jayden turns 18. That is, if Jayden wants to do so.)

And while you may not have planned on having any children, you very well do, and you need to take responsibility for it. I am perfectly aware that getting pregnant may have been under the worst of circumstances, but no child deserves to bear the resentment you have towards whomever it is that you hate or hurt you- it wasn’t the child.

I suppose I am breaking my decision from earlier by saying this,  but I have been a firm pro-life advocate for 34 years, and I am heartbroken that the actions of some parents make me question that belief. I can’t even promote fostering and adoption as the alternatives like I used to, because for some fucked up reason, deserving and loving parents are on waiting lists while child molesters and beaters are fostering.

I also cannot stand it when I see parents yelling at the top of their lungs that they are going to beat, or even kill their child. Kill? Really? Wow.
I know I haven’t been a Mommy for long, and I know Jayden will inevitably drive me crazy, but this sort of language and threatened (or completed) action is ridiculous and has bothered me as long as I can remember. Children may be little adults, and in many ways, should be treated as such, but they are also children and should be allowed to be so. 

While I don’t consider running around Kroger, throwing stuff here and there, and screaming an acceptable behavior, asking Mommy or Daddy a question about something, does not deserve a “Shut up”- I don’t care how many questions they’ve asked.

Children are trying to learn about the world, and how can we expect them to have an interest in education if we refuse to answer their questions or squelch their curiosity? I am quite certain it is exhausting to answer a question about everything under the sun, and the never-ending, “But why?” But if they never ask what something is, or how something works, they may learn that asking questions throughout life is a bad thing, and we all know that sometimes asking a question can be a matter of great importance. As the great teachers say, “No question is a stupid one.” 

So, back to shopping, if it is so stressful to you to take your child to the grocery store, while he or she sits patiently in the buggy and asks you what that weird looking cauliflower is, or how an egg would have turned into a chicken, I suggest you find a babysitter to watch your child or ask someone else to do your shopping. In my opinion, it is also your responsibility to provide something for your child to do while in an otherwise boring setting (this is especially true for waiting rooms).

On the other hand, if your child truly is out of control, you may just have to do your shopping another time. I will guarantee you this- and I have seen it more times than I can count- if you yell at the top of your lungs that you are either going to beat the shit out of your child when you leave, or that you ought to kill them- you’re the one that looks like a child throwing a tantrum, not to mention a raving idiot, and someone might ought to beat some sense into you- I’d like to.

(I’m not going to go fully into this topic, because I want to eventually devote an entire entry to it, but most of you know that I am against spanking. I’m not saying you’re awful if you’ve done it, want to do it, or the thought has crossed your mind, but I do not believe it earns the respect you may think it does, and that’s all I’m going to say about that for now.)

I will say that I am a firm believer that respect is a two-way street, whether you are one, or a hundred and one. If a parent, caregiver, or really anyone in general, does nothing but yell at a child, and tells them they are stupid, and to shut up, etc. etc. that parent etc. does not deserve respect in my opinion.

Example: If Parent A buys his child everything he wants and puts food on the table, and clothes on his back, but beats him when no one is looking, and Parent B has a hard time providing for her daughter, but does everything she can to do so, and would never lay a hand on her, guess who gets the respect in my book. A lot of you may disagree with me on this, but it is what it is. Children may not even grasp the concept of respect, but they know (usually) when they are being treated nicely and when they are not, I don’t blame them one bit for lashing right back. Their age and size should have no bearing on your attitude that they are somehow beneath you. They are humans and have feelings, probably much deeper feelings than you can recall ever having, or even that you currently have.

Having said all of this, I do know that children need boundaries and can’t safely or positively be allowed to do whatever they wish. They need to learn manners, such as saying “please,” “you’re welcome,” and “thank you,” and as long as they are treated well, should be respectful of all others- adults and children alike.

This means that they deserve the same from you, other adults and children. If you want your child to clean his room, it only makes sense that you should say “please” before and “thank you” after. They will eventually learn to follow suit and say “you’re welcome“. On the other hand, yelling at them to do it (especially on the first attempt), in my book, does not warrant a “you’re welcome“. A child should both be expected to learn responsibilities, but also learn that doing a good job and being cooperative are both appreciated and in some small way, should be rewarded. No, I don’t mean you have to bribe children to do some chores and of course schoolwork, but you know what? - they’re kids. So, in my opinion, chores and homework completed deserve some time to do what they want to do within reason, or whatever positive reinforcement you believe in.

I really have no idea of how to close this topic, and those of you that know me well, know that I am passionate and long-winded. I talk until I am blue in the face, and the same evidently goes for my blogging. 

I guess I just want to leave you with the thought that children and adults are the same- they are human beings, and all human beings, no matter how big or small, deserve to be treated well. And parents, whether moms or dads or anything along those lines, are not all good or bad based on gender.

Remember that our children turn into adults, just as we did, and I think if we would take more time to consider what it was like to be a child, it would provide us with more compassion to children. Let us also remember that as adults, we are not perfect, and we have had “the luxury” of years of experience. A child has only had a few, if that. It takes time to grow in every aspect of life, and we must practice more patience and understanding than impatience and intolerance.

The bottom line is just what Whitney Houston sings,

                                                    "Greatest Love Of All"

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be
Everybody's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I'll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be


And if, by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love

This world is only going to be a better place if our children are raised in a peaceful environment at home, with love, respect, and compassion for all family members. We can only hope that the environments not under our control are tolerable and if nothing else, offer the lessons in life that we all need to survive.

Love, Marriage, and Everything In Between

Many of you have read this on Facebook, but I wanted to move it to my blog to be read again, or for the first time.

Obviously, I thanked President Obama for taking a difficult stand on marriage equality. Today, I have some thoughts of my own to share.

In 2003, I married the love of my life. I say “married” because that’s what it is to us. We had a beautiful wedding, a ballroom of family and friends to support us, delicious food, and entertainment from the amazing Patrice Pike. We didn’t get a marriage license or certificate, but that didn’t matter. We did get a Civil Union certificate, but that didn’t matter either. It didn’t hold any legal bearing, and literally was just a piece of paper. What did matter was what was in our hearts. Isn't that where marriage really should be?

In 2009, we had a vow renewal ceremony to reaffirm our commitment to each other and as a gesture before becoming parents. Again, we had an incredible amount of family and friends there to support us, great food, and entertainment.  We still didn't get a piece of paper, but guess what.. our hearts still had the love and commitment we needed.

In the first ceremony, what I did not add, is that we had an ordained minister who performed it. Bible verses were even read! Now, I am not going to proclaim I am religious…etc. etc. I will say I was raised in The United Methodist church, and they support same sex couples and remain Christian. My point is, God/spirituality/faith cannot be removed from a relationship by an individual, group, or denomination. Making same sex marriage legal does not require said same people to change their beliefs, their practices, or anything else. Just as it is now, churches, ministers, and whole denominations can choose not to perform such ceremonies. No government official or court will have that control.

The issue of same sex marriage should not be viewed as a “Christian” dilemma. After all, legal marriages of “non-Christians” are performed every day. The legal aspect of this issue, the civil rights aspect of this issue, is what matters to the majority of gay people. For me, personally, all I really need in the end, is the unconditional love of family and friends, regardless of our differences of opinion, and I am happy to say I have that for the most part.

However, we now have a child. And now, more than ever, it is important to us to be treated equally. I know that being parents together is a separate issue in and of itself. Does it make sense that even though Shana isn’t legally Jayden’s parent at this point, and cannot be on his birth certificate as a second parent, she is listed as such at doctors’ offices because she is the primary cardholder of our health insurance? Likewise, at Verizon, where Shana works, and through our insurance company, we are considered spouses and co-parents and thus covered under the same insurance. Shana was even able to take maternity leave for the birth of our little angel, as well as additional leave for "bonding". How wonderful is that? We are very fortunate to have an OB doctor and nurse that fully support our family, and have done everything they can to make sure we are taken care of. However, most of the people at the doctors’ offices I go to, or the pediatrician’s office that we use, cannot grasp the concept. I can’t tell you the number of times I have had to spell it out to the person at the check-in desk. What’s scary, is that there is a potential for a hospital to not recognize Shana and I as each other’s  closest family member. They might do the same where Jayden is concerned, and that is unacceptable. Yes, legal documents will be beneficial, but how ridiculous!

The one right we have been granted, by fair judges in Faulkner County, is to now have the same last name. Our collective last name is Wilcox-Revels. I just had to add Revels to my name, Shana had to have Wilcox inserted into her's, and Jayden had a no-questions-asked Wilcox-Revels put on his birth certificate.

So, I am not asking for religious-based approval, I am only asking for the rights that allow us to take comfort in the protection of our family. People should be able to marry the person they love and want to be committed to (astonishingly, I exclude such relationships as parent marrying child, brother marrying sister, and with great hesitation, human marrying pet. But hey, that’s just my opinion..).

On a positive note, not to worry, I am already planning our
next ceremony. After all, I think reaffirming vows to the same person over time trumps marrying multiple women and then divorcing them to go on to the next, Rush Limbaugh.